I’ve had my fair share of bad love. False love. I wonder though. How do I know the differance? When do I know that it’s for real? I gave everyting in my earlier relationships. Twisted and turned myself inside out. For what? I never took the time to feel the trrue me inside. Never knew if the love I gave was real and sure as hell didn’t know if there was true love I got back. So many times I said I love you without meaning it, just because my partner said it and waits far an answer. Why do you do that? I love you is not a question, you shouldn’t wait for an answer and you shouldn’t feel obligataed to answer it either. I think it loses its meaning when you just blur it out like that. Someday I’ll figure it out but until then I’m just gonna let it puzzle me.

Right now I feel like everything plays against me and I’m losing big-time. At the same time something my heart tells me is that this is my chance to make things better than ever if I just endure this failing process and believe in myself. When you hit rock bottom there is only one way left to go and that is up. On my way down I’ve had many great tools that kept me from losing it completely with only a few days of despair. They helped me get the strength necessary to stay as calm as I could waiting it out, watching it fall. Some of you may wonder why I let it all fall down and knock me over like this. Well, I understand if you think that itäs just crazy but I’ve been living on the edge of decline for so long now and never been able to turn it around. I believe that I have to start over from scratch. My own way. This puts the pressure needed on me so I can get my lazy mind at work and figure out a good solution. I’ve walked around not knowing what to do with my life long enough now. I must take more responibility for my own life, not letting fate choose for me without my guidance.

It’s hard to realize that your own family has trouble accepting who you really are. I made their picture of me inaccurate and the changes wasn’t what they expected. Maybe they hoped that I could become more like them but unfortunately for them I’m heading in the opposite direction. I always felt that I didn’t belong in my family, always trying to fit in better and be more like them. I didn’t succeed with that. What I did succeed with though was to hide the true me inside a hard to crack-shell. Being insecure and shy, not sure of how to react.
Now when I’m finally learning to be me again I feel even more alienated from my family. It shows when we try to have a normal conversation, we are so different, and it’s hard not to get upset on each other. I am Italian-tempered energetic and slightly weird and they are much calmer conflict-escaping northern Swedish-tempered, we don’t share many political or social opinions and that makes us collide fairly often.When I leave to live on my own again I think it will be just like it uses to be. With everyone so occupied with there own life, slipping away from each other once again and hardly ever have time to meet. It hurts inside but I guess I have to accept it. Maybe they eventually can handle the fact that I’m not like them and love me without trying to change me. Until then I will love them though just as they are and try my very best to keep my opinions to myself so I don’t accidentally hurt them or make them feel less loved by me.

There’s so many things I’ve liked to do in my life that I just haven’t dared to do because I’ve been too worried of what others might think of me. That nonsense really have to stop right here, right now. I’m going to live my life in my way and people who doesn’t approve with that can just sodd off. Those who can accept and love me as I am deep down inside with all of my flaws and outrageous ideas are in for a treat though.

Min älskade son fyllde 5 år på alla hjärtans dag, han skulle egentligen ha kommit upp till mig och firat födelsedagen här men varken jag eller hans far S hade råd att betala för resan, det var ett av de jobbigaste telefonsamtalen jag haft med min lilla älskling när jag försökte förklara för honom varför inte jag kunde vara där och göra hans tårta på hans dag, jag sa att vi får fira honom när jag lyckas ta mig tillbaka dit ner igen men det är inte riktigt samma sak.

Det finns några ljusningar i mitt mörker i alla fall, min kära vovve klarade sig och är pigg igen, det såg väldigt illa ut ett tag men några dagar på sjukhuset och en drös mediciner när han kom hem gjorde susen. Nu ska han ta det lugnt i några veckor så att inte han blir sjuk igen vilket inte är det lättaste, han är rastlös så det räcker för fyra och 60 kg jämnfotahoppande fyrbenting är ingen höjdare i en liten lägenhet.